Sierra
by daytimedrama
Summary: I wanted that kiss, that kid, that apartment." Danny made the worst mistake many years ago. Danny/Lindsay, angst and we are getting a little fluffy now. Enjoy! Updated with Chapter 10 on 3/29/08 and the final Chapter 11 on 3/30/08.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Sierra**

**Author:** **daytimedrama**  
**Rating:** K  
**Pairing:** Danny/Lindsay  
**Content Warning:** Angst  
**Summary:** "I wanted that kiss, that kid, that apartment."

**A/N: **So this is my second fic based on a Cursive song, This one is based on "Sierra", and two of the lines are taken from the song. It's a really great song and every time I hear it I think it should be for an angsty Danny/Lindsay story. There might be a follow up floating around in my head we'll have to see. Thanks kcaitlin for looking this over.

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The sun was finally beginning to go down, the stifling heat had faded through the afternoon

The sun was finally beginning to go down; the stifling heat had faded through the afternoon into the desert sand.

She was so beautiful, her brown curls bounced with every hop, her endearing laughter accentuated every skip. She had a very serious look of concentration. Her blue eyes narrowed, biting her tongue while concentrating on hopping on one foot, her hand grasping tightly to a piece of chalk. My heart panged, I wondered if she was always that serious about winning or if she was just good at everything she tried. I knew it was my own fault that I didn't know the answers to these questions.

I was an idiot and I still am. I fly almost across the country to sit in hot car only to watch her play hopscotch. It was my penance, and this is all I deserve. I might not even deserve this. Taking and watching these moments in secret, not even brave enough to knock on their door, to face the possibility of her rejection, or worse indifference, to my presence.

"Sierra!"

My heart clenched again. It had been a very long time since I heard that voice. Well that wasn't entirely true either. Sometimes at my worst I would call her number just to hear her answer and still I could never get up the courage to say anything. I would listen to her answer "Hello?" and wait for her frustration at another hang up. Each time I wanted to beg for forgiveness or plead for an opportunity to atone. Something always stopped me, always stopped me from saying the words that would bridge our worlds together again.

I chanced a look in the direction of her voice. I was afraid of what I might do. I was worried that I might want run over to her but instead I was paralyzed. I felt like my lungs couldn't expand and contract anymore. I wondered if I was having a heart attack or a stroke and vaguely thought I should probably start taking better care of myself. The last years included too many drinks and even more cigarettes.

She however still looked so amazing, her face lit with happiness watching Sierra. She looked so different from the last time I saw her, absent were the tear stains and red rimmed eyes as I walked out of her apartment. I still don't know why I did it, I was terrified. Terrified of screwing up, terrified of raising a child in the city, terrified that I might just finally be happy. After I left I would still walk by her apartment hoping to catch a glimpse of her in the window or even see a light that would tell me if she was reading in her bedroom or watching TV. I only learned from Stella that she was moving. And later learned from Stella her name and birth date. I couldn't look in any of their eyes anymore, couldn't take the look of permanent disappointment that now resided there.

She could never forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me either. Nothing could make up for 6 years of missed birthdays, or skirting around questions of where her father was.

"Sierra your dinner is ready!" her voice echoed across the playground again. "You still have to have your bath before bedtime."

I didn't deserve to know them, to know either of them. I left her in the lurch like a coward. I often wondered how she was able to do it on her own. Raise this beautiful little girl who skipped over to their apartment. She was greeted with a big hug and kiss.

I knew Lindsay still worked, even in New York we would hear about the cases solved by the Las Vegas crime lab. I would try and tell if it was her in the background of photos in the news articles. How long would her hair be now? Was that her in the CSI jacket? I wondered if she had a boyfriend or even a husband now. Someone who worked a regular nine to five job, someone who was there to tuck that sweet little girl into bed. Someone who wasn't haunted by the horrible crime scenes that they would have to pour over. A banker who didn't push his family away; a real estate agent who wouldn't reject his only chance for happiness.

My breath caught at these thoughts, it was a very slippery slope. I always hoped that they were happy, but I was never prepared for how much the idea of the little girl calling someone else Daddy really killed me. It was torture thinking about Lindsay holding another man's hand while they cheered the little girl on in baseball or in ballet. I wanted that.

I wondered if she knew about me. Had Lindsay said anything about me? I hated to think that she would think I didn't love her. That I didn't think about her constantly and wish I could turn back time. I wanted my daughter back now, I wanted to be the one to tuck her in and say goodnight. I wanted that kiss, that kid, that apartment.

We could have been so…never mind. But I didn't deserve that, I don't deserve them and she deserves better than me. They both do.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hey guys thanks for reading I really appreciate the support, your reviews, or adding this story as a favorite or on alert make me very happy. So the muse is cooperating so I've decided to continue for a bit. Same disclaimers apply blah blah. Enjoy!

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I didn't want to watch them walk back into the apartment. I didn't want to see them walking away from me. I wished I could go and join them, help make dinner, laugh with them, and tuck my daughter into bed. Instead like a coward I sit out here and watch. Watch them walk away as if I didn't exist, I supposed in their lives I didn't.

Suddenly I was startled by a sharp rapping on my window. And my heart stopped again.

"Excuse me are you lost? Do you need directions...oh my god….Danny?" She was so close to me, my senses were overwhelmed by her light scent of jasmine and honeysuckle. I had never really believed in sensory memory until this moment, I could remember exactly how her skin felt under my fingers, how soft her hair was when she was laying across my bare chest. Part of me thought I should slam the car into gear and peal out of the parking lot, but once again I couldn't make my limbs work. My mouth felt dry and I was suddenly struck dumb.

"What are you doing here?" I couldn't look into her eyes, I didn't want to see the anger that I assumed would reside there.

"Lindsay, I'm really sorry, I'll just leave. I won't bother you again." My voice had barely returned to me and it only contained apologies. I felt awful, I felt so dirty, and I actually thought I was going to be sick. To violate her privacy like this, to usurp moments that I had no right to and wasn't invited to share. But I remembered sullenly that in fact I had chosen this; I made an awful choice, this awful choice, not to be included. I chanced a look at her face and was surprised to see just confusion and sadness. I could never get her forgiveness for the worst of my crimes, but I felt like I had to apologize for at least this indiscretion. "I'm so sorry, I'll just go. Don't worry I won't bother you." I still couldn't get myself to put the car into gear and drive away. It wasn't easy the first time I left her, and it was impossible now. My body knew what a huge mistake it was the first time and refused to listen to my conflicted mind and leave now.

I could tell she had no idea what to say. That she had walked over here with the intention of telling the loitering creep, in the nicest possible way, to leave. My presence was the last thing in the world she expected to find. I'm sure she was in a way comforted to think I was in New York and wouldn't come back into her life to turn it upside down. She seemed to be having a hard time forming words, or tell me to get the hell out of her life.

Suddenly her silence, my rambling apologies and sudden onset paralysis were interrupted by a tiny voice.

"Mommy?" and the remaining pieces of my heart broke.

"I'll be there in a sec honey" her voice barely betrayed her present shock. Yet she still looked at me.

"Are you staying nearby?" I wanted to lie, tell her that I was leaving right away, that in a few minutes I would be out of their lives completely, I wouldn't ruin their lives again. I knew the truth, I knew I couldn't leave this city yet. Even if I had to end my voyeuristic thievery, just being in the same time zone, imagining sharing the same air, the same sky and the same stars with them would keep me here for a bit longer.

"Um yeah, at the motel down the road." I couldn't lie to her anymore, couldn't lie to myself anymore.

"Okay." And just like that she turned around, picked up Sierra balancing her on her hip and walked away. The thing inside me that demanded punishment, made me watch them walk away. To feel a modicum of what she might have felt. I knew I would never know what she had felt. Pregnant, unloved, alone. I could never know what heartbreak I caused her. She and the rest of the team would have been well within their rights to have publicly stoned me. As I watched them walk away, Sierra turned in Lindsay's arms so she was looking directly back at me. A curious expression brightened her blue eyes, almost in a strange recognition, and a she gave me a small smile.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks everyone for your support, you very kind words really help my confidence. The muse is cooperating so I'm just going with it. Thanks kcaitlin for having a look at this.

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Chapter 3

The sun had set over the desert and the city was now awake, painted with the neon lights of the strip. I had been sitting in the motel room in the dark, wishing for my headache to disappear. I still felt awful; I should have just called her, or at least knocked on the front door. Instead I blindsided her. Inflicted a Blitzkrieg. She had to find me cowering in the parking lot; if I hadn't been so ashamed of my actions years ago, then I would have wanted to crawl in a hole after today.

It seemed like through my actions this afternoon I made things so much worse, if that was even possible, except that little girl's smile was like a breath of fresh air. My previously paralyzed lungs and limbs began to stir to life. My heart and soul so damaged by self loathing felt like it was being pieced together, fused together by the little girl's cheeky grin, startling blue eyes, soft brown curls. In the short drive from their apartment to the motel I was enthralled with that little sparkle that showed her amusement. I wondered if she recognized my eyes. I wondered what secret she held behind that grin.

When I first came back to the hotel I was disgusted by the state of my room. The half eaten pizza, the ashtray with the evidence of last night's chain smoking and the mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels were not the items that screamed responsible parent. The only thing that could make this scene worse would be a 25cent Magic Fingers vibrating bed. If I wanted to be a parent I needed to make some changes, and it started by taking out the trash.

This was the first time I ever allowed myself the hope of being in her life. But there was something about her; I knew I had to be a part of her life. I was selfish. A better man would have left them alone, bowed out gracefully, try not to cause anymore damage. Her smile had given me hope, and the fact that Lindsay was so stunned to see me and didn't even sock me in the eye, left me with more optimism than I probably should have had.

I thought about the things I could do. I could give her some time, and then try to call her. Or maybe write a letter. I didn't think I should go back to their apartment. I worried that Lindsay might wake from her nonviolent stunned daze and I didn't want to cause a scene and scare Sierra. I was deep in my third mental draft of my letter to Lindsay, when I heard a knock at the door. I opened it doubting that this motel offered turndown service, but was surprised with the last person in the world who I thought would seek me out.

"Hi Danny. Can I come in?" She was composed and calculated, her voice crisp with professionalism, which I guessed was to contain any immediate violent tendencies towards me.

"Oh yeah, yeah, sure of course, come on in, sorry it's kinda a mess, well the whole place is kinda a dump but yeah come in." I could kick myself, of all the times for my nervous rambling to set in. My earlier muteness had been replaced by an extreme verbal emission. I willed myself to close my mouth, and try to avoid digging an even deeper grave.

"Why are you here Danny?" My first thought was a defensive mimicry of her question but I quickly realized I owed her an explanation. After all these years of absolutely no contact, what brought me to the front of her apartment?

"I'm really sorry about earlier, I shouldn't have been there." I spoke rapidly without looking at her, afraid of what her face might reveal. It might have revealed to me that all hope was lost. I missed out on being in their lives and she was just here to tell me to get outta Dodge.

"Just stop it Danny. I didn't come for your apology; I just want to know why you're here." She said shortly, plainly exasperated by my presence and my lack of a reason. I imagined that she was confused. I didn't know how to tell her what she definitely already knew. Did she just want me to say it? That I made a huge mistake. That I regretted it everyday. That I was too much of a coward to come after her before now.

"I wanted to see her." I wanted to add, "and I wanted to see you." But I knew I had no right to say that. No right to even think that. I barely had a right to want to be in Sierra's life after all this time. She didn't have to ask me why. She knew how wonderful this little girl was, and how obviously lucky anyone would be to get to be in her life.

"I can't let you just come in here and mess things up. If you aren't actually serious, if this is just a passing phase, you can't just come into her life and pretend to be a father for a weekend and then leave. It's too hard." I almost breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn't just refused me, but instead I realized it was worse, she had absolutely no trust in me. But I had never given any reason to trust in me, never any reason to indicate that I might be serious about being a father. In fact I only showed her the opposite by walking out on her after she told me he was pregnant. I took a deep breath and tried to think of the best possible reasons for her to now trust my sincerity.

"I know Lindsay, and the last thing I want to do is mess things up. And I know me coming here like this is probably the worse way to gain your trust." She let a small snort of incredulity escape, but I tried to not let it deter me. "…and I know I can never fix the things I did before, but I really want to stop continuing to make those mistakes." I finished with my eyes on the ground, mentally tracing the stain on the carpet. My heart so heavy for my past mistakes and what seemed like my only hope for a future. Everything rode on this conversation, between what where now two strangers, in a seedy motel, in the middle of the desert. Two strangers, who were once so close, so connected, so intimate. I used to memorize the feeling of her skin, the shape of her body to get me through the day until I could hold her again. I could walk into a room and still recognize her lingering scent. It wasn't just a large questionable stain on the carpet that separated us now. It was one changing moment, one stupid decision, and one harsh echo of a door shutting which translated to these past years of hurt. A world apart, a country apart, and literally one life apart.

She was silent for a long time. Then she stood up and walked towards the door. She paused with her fingers grasped around the doorknob, the lights from the parking lot reflecting off the tears which pooled in her eyes. She looked back at me over her left shoulder and in a small voice said, "I'm going to need some time."

I swallowed thickly, and my heart broke watching her as her tears threatened to fall. I knew I would fall apart as well and had to answer her with only stiff head nod hiding my quivering lips. When the door shut behind her, I slid down the wall as the sobs overtook my body.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you all so much for your support, here is the next chapter.

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Chapter 4

Hours later I was still sitting against the wall. The wall was the only thing that was holding my body up. Fortunately my breathing had returned to me, while I was sobbing I vaguely contemplated calling 911, afraid that I might hyperventilate and die right here. Maybe it's what I would deserve. It would have been terribly ironic to die in a motel room like this, not from a drug overdose, but rather body racking sobs which stabbed my heart and stole my air.

She looked so sad. After all these years haunted by the devastation I last saw etched into her face, I had promised myself never to be the cause of that look again. Instead I was now haunted by her new face. Sadness, disappointment, and the desire to protect the most important thing in her life, was the haunting she left me with. I should leave, I should pack up and leave them alone, but she told me she needed some time. I was determined to sit here until she was ready. I might be here hours, days, weeks, months, but I wasn't going to leave yet. I knew what I had to do, take care of some logistical concerns. Call Mac and tell him I needed to take a hiatus. I hoped he would understand without asking too many questions. We never talked about this, he never once asked in the past years what had happened to me; I was sure he knew. He knew why I never joked, why I never smiled. It didn't interfere with my job and he was willing to leave it at that. However I didn't want him or my Ma to think I finally offed myself. So I called him, dialing the familiar number hoping to get the answering machine this late at night. I wasn't that lucky.

"Taylor." Even across the country and after years of mistakes I still wanted his approval.

"Hey Mac, it's me Danny." And once again I felt badly for failing him, for making a decision to so badly flake on him even after he, in his own way, had stood by me all these years. He knew that getting me to talk wouldn't help. And I was already feeling so badly I didn't need to see his disappointment in me as well.

"What is it Danny? Are you okay?" And there it was. His usually carefully guarded feelings were exposed. It was apparent to me that he always was worried I would do something. That his silence and stoicism was actually masking careful observation, ready to intercede at anytime. Then how had he missed my recent irrationality? Well maybe it hadn't actually been all that recent. I did have a habit of rash plane flights.

"I'm fine Mac. I..uh..just won't be able to make it to work." I hoped he wouldn't ask me why. I didn't want to tell him and have him talk me into leaving them alone. I had come this far, faced her twice, and was barely hanging on, but the thought of leaving again just wasn't possible.

"Danny, are you okay? You aren't going to hurt yourself, right? I'll come by your apartment or do you want Flack or Stella to?" I felt badly, he sounded genuinely concerned now. Trying to keep his voice even, but he punctuated my name as well as Flack and Stella's. I imagined he was already gesturing to Flack or Stella, imploring them go out and rescue me. How did I not see it? How many years had they been waiting for this moment? How was I supposed to tell him that I already took that step off the ledge just by showing up here?

"Uh no I'm not at my apartment, actually I'm not in New York, I'm going to need some time off." My voice began to break again. "Please Mac I just need this." He couldn't possibly know how much resonated with that statement. I needed this. I needed her, them.

He let out the breath that he had been holding, apparently still concerned about my self-destruction. However, this self-destruction was much more long term. I could tell he was debating, wanting to ask where I was and to tell me to get back to New York. But he already knew. I could tell he was struggling with whether or not to tell me to just leave them alone. But he couldn't.

"Danny, do you think you're doing the right thing?" I was taken aback that he valued my judgment at all. Even after how much I screwed up, it wasn't just a rhetorical question; he genuinely wanted to know if I thought I had to do this.

"I have to. I can't keep going like this. Pretending like my daughter isn't out here. Not knowing how much I love her and how much I regret what I did. I have to try, if there is even a chance that Lindsay'll let me in her life" I was surprised with my own confession; I hadn't ever actually told anyone this. I had never said "My daughter" out loud. And that was the closest I had ever been to admitting my desire to be back in Lindsay's life. Even if it was veiled. My natural inclination towards self preservation wouldn't allow me to say my deepest desire explicitly.

"Okay Danny, I can give you two weeks to start with, can you let me know later what you're going to do?" I hadn't taken a vacation in years; I worked overtime like it was my only savior. I was actually surprised by how poorly I was taking care of myself and I still didn't have to take sick days. I never went out anymore. Flack used to try and get me to go play pool with him down at McGuire's but I always recoiled at even the mention of pool, and the suggestion of watching a football game only reminded me of Lindsay's ability to rattle off stats of her favorite players. Soon he stopped asking me. But weekly he would give me large containers of Shepherd's Pie from his mother. I had a feeling it wasn't her charity, rather his prompting. At least he knew for a few days each week I wouldn't be living off of plain alcohol and cereal. I would have a whole other set of apologies to make later.

"Thanks Mac." I wished he could have told me how to solve this. I was constantly reminded his mantra to follow the evidence. However this was one time that it would not help me. I was the epitome of a guilty party and my crimes were backed by years of solid evidence.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing, I hope you are still enjoying the story because I'm enjoying writing it. Here is Chapter 5, it's a bit longer.

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Chapter 5

_Danny- Meet me at the park on Sunset Blvd at 1:30pm. –Lindsay_

I had been staring at this scrap of paper for 15 minutes. Tracing her handwriting, my fingers aching to get close to her, even if it was just through the pressure of the ink on the paper. It had been a week since she came to me in my motel room. I waited patiently and sometimes not so patiently.

I called my Ma. Told her I wouldn't be able to make it to dinner on Sunday. She was disappointed but she had become used to my excuses. I couldn't look her in the eye anymore either. Right after Lindsay left, she recognized my foul moods. She asked me what happened. I said I ended it. She sighed and said she thought she was perfect for me. I didn't disagree. The years went by, she dropped hints, asking me if I was seeing anyone, the answer was always no. She would tell me stories of her friends and their latest grandchildren. I never told her that she already had one.

In this one week I never strayed far from my motel room in case Lindsay came by. But I still ended up missing her. Instead collecting this note from the old tobacco chewing man at the front desk. I had finally broken my station needing groceries, perhaps some vegetables to start on my new healthy lifestyle. I had decided to purge myself of bad habits, no more cigarettes. And even in the loneliest time at night I resisted the urge to swallow some whisky to help chase the darkness away. I tried not to think about what she was doing right now. Was she crying? Was she telling her husband or boyfriend what had happened? Were they arguing if I should be allowed into their lives? Would she defend me or attack me? I didn't want to think of her with another man, but I resigned myself to the likelihood that she was with someone. These thoughts were circular and extremely self-destructive, paving a direct path to the ninth circle of hell.

Here it was; a note. A note that could leave me at the start of something amazing or the end. I was so scared to find out which. I watched the clock and counted down the hours until deliverance or damnation.

When I got to the park I was a few minutes early but I could see her already there. She was sitting on a wooden bench, shoulders sagging. I tried not to read her body language. There was no telling how she felt about the decision she made, and I didn't need to torture myself anymore. I took a deep breath and walked purposefully over to her.

"Lindsay.." I meant to say more, maybe thank her for even meeting me, but my voice stopped with her name.

"I don't know how to do this. I never thought I'd have to do this." She still hadn't looked at me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. "She needs a father, and I had hoped it would be you." I didn't know if she meant she had recently hoped or originally hoped. Had I now been written out of their lives? "I haven't told her who you are yet. I think we should wait." My heart sank. "So first you can spend some time with her, so she can get comfortable with you." And just like that my heart was in my throat again. So many emotions overwhelmed me, I wanted to scream with delight, wrap my arms around Lindsay in thanksgiving, and I wanted to cry. I would get to meet her.

"Sierra, can you come over here for a second? I have someone for you to meet." I felt like a daft idiot, I was so focused on Lindsay and my sentencing that I never even noticed what Lindsay had been looking at the whole time. Sierra sat no more than 20 feet away playing with some bright plastic toys. She clambered up from her spot. Touching the toys briefly as if to remind them to stay exactly as they were.

"Honey, this is Danny, he was my friend in New York." I tried not to let my face fall with her use of the past tense and the dreaded neutral friend word. I was so grateful for anything and quickly pushed aside anything which showed ingratitude.

"What do you say when meeting new people?" It was a little disconcerting to see her in this capacity, as a mother. She amazed me with her ever patient parent voice.

"It's very nice to meet you Danny." Sierra said in a slightly sing-song voice before looking back at her toys to check that they still remained in position.

"I'm very pleased to meet you too." The formality between us made my heart ache. I should have been her father and not a stranger.

"Do want to go play in the sandbox with me Danny?" I looked back towards Lindsay and received a small approving nod.

"Sure, I'd love to." She grabbed my hand and tugged me dramatically towards the sandbox. I had to turn my head to stop the tears from falling, seeing her little hand in mine made my heart clench and feel like it was healing at the same time. When I turned my head I briefly caught Lindsay's eye again. She could always see right through me and this was no exception. Her face only conveyed acknowledgment a sort of kinship; she knew, just as well if not better, how easily one could be affected by this little girl.

"I have lotsa cool toys for the sandbox, I have this cool thing that sifts the sand so you can find treasure. Kinda like mining for gold. You know like in the gold rush? You can play with that one if you want." She held the bright red sand sieve out of me proudly with a big smile. I returned her smile, took the sieve, and she quickly went back to her other toys.

"My friend Sarah has this really cool thing that looks like a water wheel, you can use it for sand too, but it puts the perfect amount of water in the sand to make a castle. But Mom says I can just use a bucket of water." I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was biting her tongue, trying to get the wet sand out of the bucket. Gently shimmying, coaxing the bucket off of the mold, trying to maintain the perfect castle shape. Her blue eyes lit up when the removal of the bucket revealed a perfect castle. She looked over at me for confirmation of her achievement, and I smiled proudly. I was amazed by her intellect. I was like a man dying of thirst in this desert and she was the keeper of an oasis. I drank up her anecdotes, trying to piece together her life through her stories.

"Wow, you're really good at this." I wanted to know everything she was good at.

"My Auntie Stella taught me how. When we visited her we went to the beach. She said ocean water was the best for making sand castles. She said that the sea monkeys would help to build the castle so they could live in it. At that beach there were cool rollercoasters, and games, and balloons, and popsicles, I had an orange one. Have you ever been to a beach like that? I wish we had the ocean near us cause I want sea monkeys. But we live in Nevada so we don't have the ocean." My mind was reeling, trying to catch up with what I had heard. She knew Stella. She must have been to New York. I had been in the same city with her before, and I didn't even know. Stella knew my daughter. I tried to push aside the feelings of betrayal that I had no right to.

"Yeah, I have been to a beach like that. They are very cool. And I like orange popsicles too." It was hard to keep my voice steady. She could never understand why it was taking so much concentration to resist my muscles' desires to take her in my arms and never let her go.

"You talk funny." A snort of laughter escaped.

"Yeah I guess I do." She was so adorable and I couldn't get enough.

"It's okay my friend Lucas he talks funny too, he is from Liverpool like the Beatles. That's in England." I could have been completely content to sit in this sand box forever and listen to Sierra talk.

"Do you like the Beatles?" I asked. Once again I was blown away by how amazing this little girl was.

"Yep." And she even had great musical taste. I decided right there that my daughter was the smartest 6 year old in the world.

"You wanna know what?" My mind wanted to hang on to every detail, but her rapidly changing thoughts made it hard to keep up.

"What?" I replied.

"I have a cat." I even wanted to know about her cat.

"Oh ya? That's very cool."

"She is orange and black. Mommy let me name her. I named her Tiger." My attempt to stay in the present was waning. Transported to the first time I saw Lindsay. I thought she was beautiful even as I planned to piss her off.

"Wow that's cool. Did you know your mom has pet a real tiger before?" I wondered if Lindsay had ever told her about living in New York, her first day on the job, and the worst, her absent father still living there.

"Really? MOMMY!" Her eyes were bright and sparkling, toys forgotten at the idea of a real tiger.

"Yeah Honey?" Lindsay was sitting nearby on the bench. I could tell she was poised for an escape. At any hint of peril she would have whisked her away.

"Danny says you pet a real tiger, is that true?" I watched Lindsay's face, wondering how she would react to this question. I hoped I would see happy reminiscence.

"That was a very long time ago."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you so much for the great response. Thanks kcaitlin for the beta. There is a lot of Sierra in this chapter, and I have no experience with kids so if she is not a good representation of a 6 yr old, well I'll have to attribute it to artistic license.

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Chapter 6

"Oh Mommy you're so silly. You'd still remember even if it happened a long time ago." She couldn't possibly know how much happened a long time ago that would be better forgotten. For me there were even more things I never wanted to forget. "Was the tiger nice? Was it really soft? Did you put your head in its mouth? Did it try to bite you?" Sierra questioned, each excited inquiry raising an octave, oblivious to the deep retrospection of her parents.

"The tiger was asleep." I could tell Lindsay was trying to stay disconnected. And just like that, for Sierra, the moment was forgotten. "Danny, do you like chicken fingers? Mommy said we are having chicken fingers tonight. Sometimes Mommy works funny hours so she doesn't have time to cook, so she just puts chicken fingers in the oven. But I don't mind, I like them. I think there would be enough. Mommy? Can Danny come eat chicken fingers with us?"

"Honey you never asked Danny if he wanted to eat dinner with you. Maybe he has other plans." A slightly amused expression flickered across her face, realizing that Sierra wasn't going to let her off easy. It was quite clear that Sierra was smitten and she couldn't deny her anything, especially this new opportunity to know her father. I'm sure Lindsay thought the last thing she would be doing tonight was having me over to dinner.

"Danny would you like to eat dinner with me?" She has a huge smile on her face, and was nodding in persuasion. I wanted to say yes, but I was afraid that Lindsay didn't want me there. I wanted some subliminal message that said it was okay. Now for everything I did I wanted her approval. I wanted nothing to screw this up. I couldn't be trusted not to screw this up, so I looked to her for direction. Part of me was also afraid of who else I might meet there. It might just kill me to see Sierra interact with a man who had been there as her father. I had no right to ask, and if Lindsay realized I was fishing for information about her relationship status she might become closed off.

"I'd love to eat chicken fingers with you." I decided that I would take any opportunity to be with her, them. And if it meant the torture of another man's house, then that would only be my just punishment.

"See Mommy, Danny wants to. Danny, do you also want to push me on the swing?" Sierra knew a sucker when she saw one. She could ask me for a pony, the moon and I'd give it to her.

"Yeah of course, why don't you go and choose a swing, I'll be right over." I wanted the opportunity to talk to Lindsay even just for a second. I watched Sierra skip over to the swings. She carefully inspected the three swings, giving a little push to each. Deciding which would have the aerodynamics for the best swinging experience.

"Thank you Lindsay." I was thanking her for this opportunity that she really didn't have to give me. I was thanking her for this amazing daughter I didn't deserve.

"I'm not doing it for you." Her response was almost venomous; I should have anticipated the next statement. "If you hurt her, I will kill you." She was completely serious, slowly emphasizing each word. I didn't blame her. In fact I wanted to give her permission to string me up by the balls if I ever did anything to hurt her.

"I know." There was such a huge chasm between us now. So far away was the time when I could just look at her and receive a grin. I had lost her trust and even worse, her respect.

"Danny! Come on! I found the perfect swing, this one's the best, and it goes super high! With you pushing me I might be able to reach the top." She looked like she was oscillating from excitement at the prospect. I looked at Lindsay for anymore parting threats. I knew she was just doing what she had to as a mother. It just hurt so much that I was the person she needed to protect Sierra from. Lindsay just sat on the bench again as confirmation that our conversation was over.

I pushed her on the swing for a long time, her giggles, shrieks and encouragement filling the playground. Even when I couldn't get her to the top she consoled me insisting that I'd be able to achieve it next time. Once I looked over to Lindsay and saw her stealthily wiping her eyes. Even though I imagined she hated me, she did want me to be here for Sierra and seeing us together moved her more than she wanted to reveal to me.

We were both still hiding our feelings for each other after all these years. When we were together I knew I wanted a family with her. I knew I loved her but I could never get the words out. Our walls were tall and thick, with no princely character willing to scale. With our jobs and our past it was always easier to be casual. I remember when she told me she was pregnant. I was so shocked I didn't say anything for 10 minutes. In my head ran so many thoughts. Thoughts of my own parents, thoughts of Ruben, thoughts of Lindsay in the diner, thoughts of what our child would look like. I didn't even notice that Lindsay had walked into her bedroom and was silently sitting in the dark. The moonlight cast shadows on her face. For some reason, I think it was temporary insanity, I walked into her room, still standing near the door ready for a quick retreat, I told her I didn't want this, I couldn't do this. I forced myself to look at her reaction, and saw the tears cascading down her face. Then I turned, walked out of her apartment and her life.

Thinking about that now, I still felt sick. I could never look at myself the same way again. Sick from the things I lost. That hurt me even more, I didn't lose them at all, I pushed them away. I forced myself to return to the present, I had been given a second chance. For some reason Lindsay was willing to give me another chance with my daughter, I just hoped I would one day deserve it.

We started walking back towards their apartment, Sierra still grasping my hand. Our hands interlocked, swinging spectacularly, while she skipped intermittently. Sierra was chattering away, I was absorbing all I could. Lindsay was mainly silent, quietly answering Sierra's questions. Then Sierra grasped Lindsay's hand. For this brief instant we were connected. I closed my eyes imagining that I had never screwed up my life, for one second pretending that I feel Lindsay's soft skin through Sierra and into my hand. Imagining I could feel Linday's pulse under my fingertips. When I opened my eyes I was looking over into Lindsay's deep brown eyes and I knew she could feel it too.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Thanks so much for continuing to read! I love writing Sierra I think she is adorable and already realizes that she has Danny wrapped around her finger. So here is the next chapter, again thanks to kcaitlin for her support.

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Chapter 7

That connection only lasted a few seconds, but when I looked into her eyes I could almost see past the hurt, towards what had originally brought us together. It was always in these moments when our eyes met, when we were each at our most vulnerable. She couldn't hide from me. I now knew the truth, that despite the worse pain I could put her through, for some reason, she still felt something for me. It was not just homicidal rage. I allowed myself to hope that it was more than just the love she would always carry for her daughter's father. Maybe she could love me again.

"Oh oh oh Danny, you'll get to meet Tiger. Oh oh and I can introduce you to Jasper. I think you'll like him a lot. He's really cool. Mommy, do you think Danny will like Jasper?" I had to steel my face, to avoid revealing my crestfallen look. I looked at Lindsay, but of course now her face didn't betray a thing, she only nodded. Not any hint of who Jasper might be, boyfriend, husband, gay roommate, I got nothing. So I said, "I'm looking forward to it."

I was led into their apartment, the apartment was distinctly Lindsay. It was reminiscent of her apartment in New York, and I always felt at home there. She had a big soft brown leather couch near the window, similar to the one we'd make love on, when we'd stumble into her apartment, after long shifts apart. Near a rustic wooden coffee table there was a large ivory chair, much like her one in New York, I thought it might actually be the same one. I loved that chair; it used hold to us both perfectly. Lindsay would be snuggled on my lap, our legs intertwining. I hadn't realized how much even her furniture invoked in me. Here a large portion of the living room was devoted to Sierra. A small plastic table, covered with crayons and drawings, bins of toys, a little bookshelf brimming with well used books placed haphazardly in rows. I didn't realize I was still standing on the threshold until Sierra walked back into the room, carrying a large squirming cat. The cat was making loud disgruntled sounds while locked under the arms by the little girl.

"Sierra, what did I tell you about holding Tiger properly?" Lindsay walked over to help the struggling cat.

"You said I needed to support the kitty, cause she didn't like to be dropped." Her voice revealed her pouting. Trying to justify her behavior because she was in a hurry to show off the cat.

"She's lovely, Tiger is the perfect name for her." I scratched the cat's ears, as she began to purr.

"Mommy, can Danny meet Jasper now?" I looked to Lindsay hoping to gain any insight. I realized that she had an amazing poker face, she could make a killing; maybe she picked up some tricks here in Las Vegas.

"Sure. He is in my office." I had to ward off the feeling of hyperventilation. I tried practicing some deep breathing techniques. When that didn't work I imagined a peaceful beach, a snowy mountain, floating down a cool river on a hot summer's day.

She let Tiger scamper away, for a split second I looked for the exit. I really didn't want to meet this Jasper guy, but I was determined to be mature, gracious even.

I followed Sierra down the hallway we stopped at the last door. Sierra turned back to me, a huge smile on her face. "I think you are really going to like him." I smiled back at her. I wished it were true, and maybe under different circumstances I would have liked him. But not when I was jealous of a life which I so desperately wanted.

Sierra opened the door slowly, looking around the room, her brow furrowed in concentration, but I didn't see anyone. Suddenly Sierra dropped to her knees looking under the wooden desk in the corner; she stretched her small hands under the desk and slid out a large brown and white rabbit. She looked thrilled. "This is Jasper. Isn't he cool? He is a French Lop. My Grandpa gave him to me when we were in Montana. Have you ever been to Montana? I got to play with him there, he was my Grandma's but Grandpa said it was too cold there in the winter for Jasper so he asked if we could take him with us. He said Jasper would be a lot happier in Nevada, like summer vacation all the time for Jasper. I think Grandpa was fibbing. I think he didn't want Jasper because Jasper had lots of girlfriends and babies." She then burst into a fit of giggles.

My mind was only just catching up to the fact that Jasper wasn't a person. "He has to live in Mommy's office when we're not home, because he likes to hide. One day we couldn't find him for 3 whole days. I thought he was lost forever and I cried." The thought of this little girl ever crying was enough to slay me. "I'll leave him in here so he doesn't get lost." The brown spotted rabbit hopped back under the desk and Sierra led me back out into the living room.

"Mommy, I think Danny really liked Jasper." I looked up at Lindsay standing in the kitchen, a small smirk tugged at the corners of her mouth, and her brown eyes twinkled mischievously. She knew this whole time how much this Jasper fellow was torturing me and didn't say anything. I couldn't help but smile. So far there was no man lurking in the apartment. I wasn't completely comforted but it was a start, especially now that Lindsay was grinning like a cat that ate a canary.

"Dinner is ready sweetie. Can you please put the silverware on the table?" She handed three sets to Sierra.

"What kind of silverware do you need for chicken fingers Mommy?" She was adorably inquisitive.

"The kind of chicken fingers that live next to broccoli." I got the impression that Sierra wasn't a huge fan of these neighbors.

"Oh ick, yuck. Are you going to make Danny eat broccoli too?" I thought wryly that maybe she had taken after me after all.

"I'm sure Danny would agree that broccoli is good for you, a necessary evil." She gave me a look that told me to agree with her that broccoli was not the enemy, despite my own usual aversion to it.

"Sorry kiddo." I said. Sierra looked resigned, disgusted but resigned to eating broccoli. So she clambered up onto the dining room chair and plopped down. Lindsay brought Sierra's plate of chicken fingers, the dreaded broccoli, and two small containers, one ranch and one barbeque sauce. When Sierra got her plate she started mixing the two sauces. Lindsay also placed my plate in front of me. I was intrigued, I never knew anyone else who liked to mix them like I did. It warmed my heart that Lindsay still remembered those small details for me as well. I guess I could understand because I remembered every kiss, every touch, and every smile.

"Mommy do you think Danny could come to my school in two weeks?" I didn't know what she was talking about but I was flattered that my daughter would want me to go.

"I don't know honey. We'll talk about it later." Sierra looked disappointed and had become quiet. Lindsay reached over to Sierra and caressed her cheek. Lindsay smiled down at her; Sierra finally raised her eyes and returned a small melancholy smile. I felt like an outsider, a voyeur. I was witnessing such an intimate unspoken moment between mother and daughter, they had such a strong connection. Lindsay knew exactly what was bothering her without words, and comforted her with a silence that stilled the room. We used to have that as well.


	8. Chapter 8

While we ate dinner I kept looking over to Sierra; I was still haunted by the sadness that I had seen in her eyes. Behind the precocious smile hid a darker shadow. I wanted to know what made her so sad, and I wanted to fix it. The table was silent but Lindsay was gently trying to get Sierra to cheer up. Obviously she didn't like to see her unhappy either. There were gentle smiles, soft tickling, and soon Sierra was giggling again.

"Mommy?"

"Yes honey?" I was still in awe of how much love exuded from Lindsay just saying those words.

"Can Danny stay and watch a movie with me?" Lindsay raised her eyes to reach mine, and while still looking at me she said, "I think that would be okay."

"Yay!" and finally a real smile reached Sierra's eyes and warmed my heart. Lindsay looked grateful; right now I was able to give my daughter something that she could not.

We started to bring the plates to the kitchen but Lindsay shuffled us away. Sierra ran to the cabinet under the television. I guessed that she had a movie all picked out in her mind. I looked to Lindsay, who just replied with a shrug, "Black Beauty. It's her favorite." Sure enough, Sierra came running back over holding an obviously well loved DVD of the movie. "Danny you'll love this movie. Do you like horses? I love horses. I get to ride them when we go to Montana. There are some really sad parts, so it's okay if you cry, I won't tell anyone. Neither will Mommy."

Soon she and I were settled on the couch. Sierra was very excited and was on the edge of her seat, bouncing as the horse's narration filled the room. By the time Beauty belonged to a cab driver in London, Sierra was curled up on my lap asleep. Lindsay had joined me. It was awkward, the air between us magnetic but it felt as if we were high schoolers on a first date. I supposed that is what happens to former lovers. The passion and tension that made everything so electric while in a relationship, now just felt like the elephant in the corner of the room. We had been so intimate once, so passionate, and now we sat with the product of that love in between us. I wished I knew how to fix this, to know if I could fix this, knew of some way to bridge the huge gap between us. The gap, which was mined from years of distance and a lifetime of heartache.

My heart was so heavy from the weight of the chains of the past, yet felt so light with the prospect of a future with my daughter. The result was an extremely painful clenching of my heart that made me want to cry with mourning and cheer with elation.

As the movie closed with the final image of Beauty convalescing and reminiscing, reunited with his good friend from years ago. For him, some of the past contained the best memories which cushioned the now safe and bright future. His darkest times were pushed away for the future was bright. For me the past was littered with my mistakes, I walked through a graveyard of my own making, haunted by my errors. I never wanted to forget the good memories, and even wanted to keep the bad as a reminder of my stupidity. I just wished my future was as certain, lush grass, a gentle stream and most importantly a forever home.

There were so many things I felt I needed to say to her but I couldn't form the words. I didn't want to break the magic of this moment, this perfect day. I was so afraid I might wake up, and find myself still waiting for Lindsay to call me in my seedy motel room. Or worse wake up in my apartment in New York, without having made this attempt to rebuild my lost life. I had always been a coward when it came to the things that mattered the most. To me, walking out on your pregnant girlfriend was the textbook definition of coward. There were so many things I should have done differently. I should have told her I loved her years ago. I should tell her now, but just because I recognized myself as a coward didn't mean I was completely ready to make a fool of myself. I imagined she would laugh herself silly. I didn't know if that would before or after she slapped me across my face. What type of person did I think I was? I couldn't waltz into her life after all I did to her, all I put her through and tell her I loved her, expecting that to be enough. For me to be enough. It just wasn't realistic, even if she did still feel that way about me, which I allowed myself to hope that she did, her natural instincts to protect herself and her offspring would recognize a man doomed to failure instantly. Even if it were said with the best of intentions, she just couldn't feel the same way after everything I did to her and my daughter. Right now I needed to surrender my fanciful notions of a happily ever after, it had been one day, and one day couldn't change everything.

She spoke first breaking the silence that crowded the living room, "Do you think you could carry her into her bedroom?"

I nodded, afraid to speak. I couldn't believe I was going to actually put my daughter to bed. I carried her gently following her into a small bedroom. The room was painted a soft green; there was a small white bed with a galloping horse print on the covers. I set her gently down on the bed, but not before giving her a small kiss on the forehead. Lindsay changed the mostly asleep girl into her pajamas, as she tucked a small stuffed horse into her arms she also placed a lingering kiss on Sierra's forehead. Sierra mumbled in her sleep,"Night Mommy, night Daddy." My eyes went wide and I was dumbstruck. Lindsay walked past me and out of Sierra's room without a word. I stayed watching my daughter for a bit longer, confused by her words. Was I hoping so much to hear those words that I imagined it?

When I finally walked back into the living room Lindsay was sitting on the couch. Only the light from the kitchen filtered into the room. She didn't turn to look at me, but said, "I want to hate you." I knew not to say anything. I imagined she had a well thought out speech if she ever saw me again. Was she going to tell me where to go?

"I want to be angry with you, but I'm just sad for you. You've missed out on knowing this amazing little girl." I thought she could probably hear my heart pounding, and the struggle to breathe made my breath ragged. I couldn't say anything; I agreed completely. "She is so smart Danny. She is a lot like you. Stubborn. Funny. Passionate. And those eyes that can pierce your soul; that you feel like you'll drown if you stare into them for too long." She finally turned her head to look at me, and I could see the tracks of tears that stained her face. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but knew I had no right to. I caused the first tears so I wasn't allowed to comfort her through these.

"She really likes you. She really wants a father. That thing in two weeks that she was talking about is Bring Your Father to School Day. She's never had a father there. My brother usually comes down from Montana to take her." My heart clenched. I had always thought they'd be better off without me, but I never even thought about events like this, that would just serve to remind her that her father was not around.

"We are doing okay without you."

"I'm not."

"You aren't just sweeping in here to rescue us."

"No. You are saving me."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thanks to everyone who is reading!! Special thanks to kcaitlin, I was a little stuck so she helped me.

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Chapter 9

"We need to tell her."

"Lindsay?"

"Are you expecting another phone call?" She asked curtly.

"What time is it?" My sleep muddled brain was trying to catch up.

"6:30. Were you asleep? Sorry." That made me smile. She didn't sound the least bit sorry.

"Where are you? Why are you whispering?"

"I'm in my closet, Sierra is in the kitchen eating breakfast I don't want her to hear me." A slight chuckle escaped, the image created in my mind of Lindsay hiding in her closet from a six year old was just too funny.

"Okay, but I thought you wanted to wait to tell her?"

"She woke up this morning and told me she had the best dream ever. She said that you and I were in it, we were at Coney Island and you were her Daddy. She also said something about sea monkeys and popsicles, but I don't know what that means. Anyway she hasn't stopped grinning since."

"Oh wow."

"I need to talk to you face to face. Can I meet you somewhere? I just have to drop her off at school first."

"Yeah of course. wanna get some breakfast at that diner near the motel? Is 9 okay?"

"ummm…okay sure. Bye Danny."

I was still holding my phone. A smile slowly spreading across my face. I was so thrilled that Sierra wanted me to be her father, and that I was.

It was fifteen minutes after nine, and I was beginning to get anxious. Lindsay used to be extremely punctual. It was still hard to reconcile the Lindsay I knew in New York with Single mother Lindsay in Las Vegas. I worried that she might have changed her mind about telling Sierra. I actually sighed in relief when I heard the chime on the door and saw Lindsay coming in. She looked slightly disheveled, and absolutely stunning. Her wild curls were shaping her flushed cheeks.

"Hi Dan, sorry I'm late. We had a tennis shoe emergency." She sat down and started looking over the menu. With a small smirk she added, "I'm never on time for anything anymore." The conversation was light. It was almost normal. We both seemed afraid to breech the ease which we found ourselves in. We ate our breakfast in relative silence. I commented on the pleasant weather, she told me about the changing neighborhood. Nothing went deeper than the surface until the plates were cleared and I was working on my third cup of coffee.

"I need to know that you're serious Danny." She started without any preamble.

"I am. You know I am." I begged, I yearned for her to believe me, to trust me again.

"No I don't know you are. You've been with her for one afternoon. You guys had fun, played in the park, watched a movie. I need to know if we're going to do this, if we're going to tell her, you aren't going to leave when it gets hard. I will not put her through that. If you are going to bail, tell me now. I'd rather you just leave now if you're going to." She was searching my face for any sign of indecision.

"I'm not going to bail." And I wasn't. I knew I would never be able to walk away again.

"Okay. Well we'll also have to work out the logistics. I have a lot of vacation time, so I can take her to visit you in New York when she is out of school. When you have time off you can come out here. You can talk on the phone. It's not ideal but it's better than nothing. We can make it work." I knew this was the right time to be completely honest. Tell her what I had been thinking about for the past week, maybe I had actually been thinking about this for years.

"I'm all in. I mean it, Lindsay. I want this, and not just for holidays and weekends and the good days in the park. I want everything. I want the tears, the tantrums, I want to be there when she gets sick, and I want to scare away punk boys when she is a teenager. Anything. Everything." I could see it in her eyes that she was still struggling with herself to believe me. She was afraid that I'd get on the plane back to New York, decide fatherhood wasn't for me and never see them again. This was very fast. Just a little over a week ago I caught a cab to JFK. I had been short with a suspect after a double shift, Mac told to get out of there and go home. When I got home I realized that it wasn't my home and hadn't been for almost 7 years. It wasn't the first time I had to go with my instincts, but now I realized that even with the future uncertainty, to be in my daughter's life was worth it.

"So I've decided I'm going to move out here. I've already called and they need a guest forensics lecturer at UNLV. I'll get an apartment as near or as far away as you want me to be. But I want to be in her life." And I mustered up the courage and softly added "In your life." I was afraid of her reaction. Did she even want me in the same state? I raised my eyes to hers and saw the unshed tears in her eyes.

We decided to tell Sierra that evening. Lindsay and I parted in the diner parking lot, with arrangements to meet later. I was itching to touch her. I had to restrain myself from launching myself at her. Her lips looks so soft, and I wondered if her hair would still felt as silky when I ran my fingers through it. Instead I gave her forearm a slight squeeze. The instant I touched her skin I could feel the spark, the surge of electricity, and then the slow burn. It was still there.

I knew what I had to do; I had to tell my mother. Tell her of the mistake I made and how I was going try and fix it. Tell her I did the worse possible thing a man could do to the woman you loved and your child. I was happy I was so far away. I didn't want to see the look on her face or be within cuffing distance.

"Hi Ma, It's me. I have something to tell you. You have to promise to listen to me and not freak out."

"Daniel, is something wrong?"

"No everything is great now. Or it will be great now."

"I'm not sure I understand." I decided just to get it out there. Quickly.

"I have a child, a daughter."

"You mean you are having a daughter. Oh, Daniel that's wonderful! I didn't know you were seeing anyone. When is the baby due? You'll have to get married of course, a bit out of order but that seems quite common these days. Oh I'm so happy."

"No Ma. I have a daughter. She is 6."

"I don't understand. You've had a child all this time? I've had a granddaughter all this time?"

"Yes. I couldn't tell you because I walked out on them, on Lindsay."

"Oh Daniel." In the silence the disappointment was mixed with astonishment.

"Well the reason why I'm telling you all this now, is because I've decided to move out to Las Vegas to be closer to them. To start to rebuild my life. Lindsay is letting me be a part of Sierra's life. That's her name, Sierra. She is so beautiful, so funny and so so smart. You'll love her. She is more than I deserve."

"Are you happy?"

"Yeah I really am. I'm the happiest I've been in years."

"It makes sense now. I knew something was wrong, that you were hiding a great pain. Suffering from something that hurt you very deeply. I'm glad that you are doing this now."

"Me too. I'll see to you soon Ma. I'll have to go back soon to get my stuff."

"I love you Daniel."

"I love you too Ma. Good bye."

That conversation actually went a lot better than I thought it would. She genuinely seemed proud of my recent changes. I understood that a mother could always suspect when something was not right with their children. I hadn't been right for years. I felt like someone working through the 12 steps and I had a long list of people to make amends with.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Thanks to everyone who is continuing to stick with this story. This is a short chapter, almost a transition to the next chapter, which will most likely be the final chapter.

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Chapter 10

I was positively humming with excitement. I was bouncing on the balls of my feet while Lindsay rolled her eyes. We were standing outside Sierra's school, waiting for school to let out.

Earlier I called Mac. I felt badly about leaving him, because he had been so good to me, so understanding over the years. I think he was disappointed to lose, who had become, his most efficient CSI. He understood though. I needed to do this. I think he always knew, or perhaps hoped, that I would come to this conclusion eventually.

I heard the shrill sound of the school bells ringing, and we walked closer to the entrance. I was scanning the crowd of animated little children, looking for my daughter.

"Danny, I know you're excited, but don't just blurt it out when you see her. We need to stick to the plan." What Lindsay didn't know was, that at this moment, I don't think I would be actually unable to form coherent sentences when I saw her.

"Yeah, yeah. Of course. The plan."

Then I saw her. She was standing on her toes, looking amongst the parents for Lindsay. She looked adorable. Flowered top, jeans, pigtails, and the smallest little pair of pink converse. She finally spotted us, and a huge smile lit her face.

"Mommy! Danny!" She ran and jumped into my arms. I was still amazed by how comfortable she was with me.

"I didn't know you were coming with Mommy to pick me up," she said as she was playing with my hair spiking it up and then flattening it with her tiny hands.

"We decided to surprise you." Lindsay added. She picked up Sierra's forgotten backpack and started walking towards the car. On the car ride back to their apartment, Sierra excitedly told me all about her day. How Tommy Plympton had milk go through his nose. That her friend Elise got a new baby brother, and that he was awake all night. After this she asked Lindsay if she could get a brother or sister, she assured her mother that she wouldn't mind. I almost choked on my own tongue. I couldn't think about that. That would be just too amazing to comprehend. I had to put that thought out of my mind. Lindsay was unphased, calm, and I wondered if she answered that question before.

When we got to their apartment, Sierra immediately led me to her toys to pick out something to play with. I settled myself precariously on the small wooden bench and thanked her as she poured imaginary tea into the tiny cup in front of me. From the kitchen Lindsay asked us to come to the real dining table for a snack. As Lindsay placed a plate of triangle cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she caught my eye, and gave me a small smile.

"Sierra, we have something important to tell you," she started. "You remember when you asked me who your father was?"

"Yeah." She looked at me a little uncomfortably, as if she didn't want to hurt my feelings. She was still holding the sandwich halfway to her mouth. "You said he was your friend in New York." She looked sad and a little uncertain, wondering why her mother would bring this up when she was having such a good time with me.

"Honey, Danny is your father." Her face still showed her confusion and part of my heart sunk.

"Do you understand Sierra?" She looked up at Lindsay a question still in her eyes. "Danny is your Daddy."

Sierra didn't say anything; instead she put down her sandwich slowly, climbed out of her chair and onto my lap. Our blue eyes mirroring the others; she grasped my face between her small hands. She asked quietly, "Is it true? Are you my Daddy?" Before this, my eyes had been shining with unshed tears. Now they slipped from their confinement and cascaded down my cheeks as I nodded. A huge smile spread on her face. "Good, now you can come to my school in two weeks. I can't wait to tell Elise." I laughed and looked over to Lindsay whose tears met her large smile.

We continued our tea party; the afternoon was filled with laughter, and spontaneous hugs. When I was getting ready to leave for the night, Sierra started to cry.

"I don't want you to leave," she cried, and it broke my heart.

"Before you know it, I'll be back." I told her and Lindsay that I needed to go back to the city to move out of my apartment. I was very anxious to move out here permanently. I didn't want to leave them even for a few days, but I just didn't see any other way.

"No. I don't want you to go. You're going to leave and not come back. You are going to go back to New York and forget all about me, and you won't be here to come to my school," she was really sobbing by now, her voice raspy from the tears and pleas. I gathered her in my arms, rocking her, whispering assurances. Finally her tears subsided and I realized she had fallen asleep. Lindsay gave me an encouraging supportive smile. After I placed Sierra in her bed, Lindsay walked me to the front door.

"She'll be okay." That didn't set my mind at ease. We were standing close together, talking in hushed tones. Lindsay reached her hand to my jaw line, gently caressing my face. The soft skin on her hand contrasted against my stubble, "Just make sure you get back here soon." I covered her hand with mine, and promised I would. I already couldn't wait to come home. I couldn't wait to come to this home, my home.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Here is the final chapter. Thank you all so much for your continued support. I really am so appreciative of all of those who read, reviewed, or put this fic on their alerts or favorites. You guys have made my first real multi chapter fic such a pleasent experience. I know this has been quite the emotional journey for the characters so thanks for sticking with it. I really hope that this ending does not disappoint. Since I'm just so in love with Danny, Lindsay and Sierra from this fic, I'm sure I will address their future in oneshots. Thanks kcaitlin for betaing and hand holding.

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Chapter 11

"Daddy, you don't need furniture, it's much more fun in here without it." Sierra was in her socks slipping around on the wood floors in my empty apartment. It was in the same complex as Lindsay's apartment, just in a different building. She assured me that I would not be encroaching on her life and it would be easier to spend time with Sierra this way.

"Thanks kiddo, I think I'll get the furniture just the same though. You wouldn't want to sleep on the floor when you come over."

"Is Mommy going to come over for sleepovers too?"

"Not right now sweetie." I instantly looked around hoping Lindsay wasn't within earshot of my near confession of one of my hopes. "You are going to come over here when your Mommy has to work those funny hours."

"What about Tiger and Jasper? Will they come for the sleepovers too?"

"Maybe we can work it out so they can come too. But we don't want to run the risk of losing Jasper, do we?

"Yeah. Daddy, can we paint my room purple? Actually eggplant, no tomato, orange, definitely orange."

"Any color you like."

"Oh boy, any color? What about chartreuse"

"How do you know the color chartreuse?"

She just gave me a little shrug said "Mommy" and went back to her spinning and slipping around on the bare wood floors.

I couldn't believe this was actually happening. I had moved to Las Vegas. I spent only three days in New York, packed only the essentials. Before I left, I went to see my Ma, after she cuffed me on the back of my head and told me she raised me better than this she cried when I told her about my daughter. She was quickly appeased by her absence when I showed her pictures of Sierra. I promised to try and bring her to visit soon.

Then I went to the Crime Lab, I was afraid of everyone's reaction. Reaction to my crimes from years ago, and their misgivings about my seriousness to my future. I knew though that I didn't need to convince them. Mac gave me a pat on the back, and told me good luck, he said he learned long ago that family, either the one you have or the one you make, is the most important thing. Stella said she would see me soon, and confessed to me the city she had been taking all her vacations to. Flack promised to visit as long as I promised to take some time to go to the Blackjack tables with him. I never thought I would move out of New York, but I found myself thrilled and excited about the prospect. Then I was gone.

Mid-afternoon and the movers had finally arrived. Some furniture was moved into the apartment, and now many large boxes littered the open space. I went out to get us some lunch, when I got back I found Sierra sprawled out and asleep on the couch. Lindsay had started to unpack some of the boxes for the kitchen, trying to make sense of my hasty labeling. She had marveled at my lack of organization and my disregard for ease of unpacking.

I found her sitting in the kitchen on the ground holding a picture frame, a box sitting next to her forgotten. I knew instantly what picture it was. That frame sat next to my bed since the day we took it. We were so happy. The sea breeze whipping through our hair. Laughter filled the air and gentle kisses were shared as we spent the afternoon seeing all the New York tourist attractions. On the ferry to see my Ma, we had asked an older couple to take our picture. Laughing and kissing we missed smiling for the camera, but the resulting moment captured was so much better. She hadn't looked up when I walked into the room. I didn't know what to say to her. I wished I knew what she was thinking. Did she wonder why I still had it? Did she still have her own copy? How could you tell the woman you walked out on, the mother of your child, that you were still in love with her? That you could never love anyone else. That you didn't ever want to love anyone else.

"You didn't bring the pool table" she broke the silence first. She actually sounded a little disappointed, so I took the opportunity to tease her a bit.

"Did you want a rematch?" I quipped mischievously. I was happy that there was an ease between us now. Every passing day it became better. I was no longer crippled with guilt. I knew I'd never ever fully forgive myself, but if Lindsay could grow to forgive me than I'd be satisfied.

"Nah, I just thought if I was ever low on cash I could come beat you again spectacularly." She rewarded me with a winning smile. I should have known she would have had a witty comeback.

"I never did pay you," I said as my eyes met hers.

"It's not too late."


End file.
